"If only you knew how much I think about you."
You're forcing yourself to blot out someone from your memory but the process itself triggered some emotions; emotions that you don’t want to feel, the feeling of longing, needing, yearning … MISSING.
There were times you thought you’re better than fine, cause everything seems to be normal, you were doing good. You thought you’ll never be happy again without your source of happiness but luckily you’ve successfully helped yourself, and finally, you were able to see things in a better perspective, then one tiny stupid memory will bring back every single feeling you’ve buried in the deepest possible place no one can touch.
“That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.” – Augustus Waters
The memories haunt you back with a vengeance so powerful, it leaves a nagging pain on your chest, you never contemplated that missing can be as painful as losing someone, if only you can sort out the thoughts that would occupy your mind, if only you can filter the feelings your heart would feel, if only your love for yourself is greater than the love you gave, but shitty things happen, all you can do is wish … let’s face the reality, you can’t help yourself … you were running in circles, you’ve grown weary but you keep on running, it became a cycle, one day you’re all okay, for the first time in such a long time you felt so alive without the feeling of being lost but the following day is a different story, you were back to your morose state, acting like a lunatic, doing crazy things just to distract yourself, just to inoculate yourself from the disease caused by those stirring emotions ; emotions that become a shadow , a shadow that hounds you wherever you go.
“When I miss you I feel like I’m losing myself”
You were stuck on your wretched state, it has become your sanctuary, within that place you’ve created a shelter, a shelter that you don’t want to abandon. You miss that person so much, so much it hurts, and you thought you were tired of that feeling but the reality slaps you in the face, that’s the only feeling left in your heart.
You miss that person but you know you shouldn’t, your heart and your mind don’t work together, your mind knows what the right thing to do; to let go of the things you can’t change, to let go of the things that hurt you, to let go of the things you can’t control, to let go of the things that weigh you down, to be able to find that happiness, that stable happiness, happiness that can’t be fazed by whatever factor or emotion, but your heart chose to be stubborn, your sadistic heart welcomes the pain with arms wide open.
Is it worth the pain? Do you still want to keep on running in circles? I guess it’s time to finally see the light; it’s time to accept the reality, that the only time you’d be with that person is when you’re peacefully sleeping and the idea of a perfect relationship with that person would only exist in your dreams, and in real life that person would never be included in the picture. It’s time for you to wake up, and make the best out of what’s left; life is too short to waste it on something or someone that doesn't contribute to your happiness. It is time to face tomorrow with a smile on your lips and a renewed and happy heart.