Hollow

"Mad – empty – crazy – lost – dying... I was all of these things and nothing as well, because even though I breathed and moved, I was not alive.” 

                                                                                                                    - Melanie Cusick-Jones

These past few days I feel like I’m not in my right mind. There are so many things running in my head, so many things I’d like to do, and I don’t know if those things are even necessary in the first place. There’s a nagging voice inside my head that I don’t recognize, that voice keeps telling me what I need to do; what I have to say but all I know is, that voice does not belong to me.

“It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.”  

                                                                                                 - Jonathan Safran Foer

I’m being impulsive, which wigs me out cause that’s not my character, I’m an over thinker since forever, I’m a “test the waters first” type of person. It’s like my system have short circuited and forgot how to function properly. I don’t know where this unsettling feeling inside of me is coming from but I don’t like where it’s heading. I feel like i'm a dead person living in a shell, I feel so empty, so lifeless; I’m not my usual self anymore.

They say there will be times you’ll feel that your life is being blown out of proportion and I guess they’re right, that’s exactly how I feel right now. Everything is exaggerated and overrated, it’s so tiring and I’m getting sick of it. I’m doing stuffs because I have to do it; words come out of my mouth because it’s the right thing to say. This whole mess has no passion and it’s turning me into a heartless, apathetic piece of soul and I’m scared shitless.

“If you cannot fill the gap and emptiness in your heart, don’t be disappointed. If you had already filled it, your life would have meant finished.” 

                                                                                                 - M.F. Moonzajer

All I wanted to do is to forget these hateful and negative feelings inside of me but I guess my way of forgetting is slowly turning me into someone I never imagined myself to be but I think this feeling of emptiness is part of the process; the process of finding that someone who’ll fill those gaps, those spaces and no matter how agonizing this feeling is, I’d just hold on to that hope, that someday, someone will come into my life and will make me forget what the word EMPTINESS is all about.

xoxo

-dgt